More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
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