My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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