I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
