i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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