but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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