I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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