She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
