Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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