Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
