...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
