the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
