We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
