WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
