Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I will pee on everything he values.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Randomize
