Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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