stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
