I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
