My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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