Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
