If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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