oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Lo siento on account of my penis...
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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