My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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