Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
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