I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize