I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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