My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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