Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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