I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
