Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
worst night to have a conscience
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
