Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
