I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
