I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
