I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
