Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
