The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
