Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You were trust falling into bushes
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
