My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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