Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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