I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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