I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
