u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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