I accidentally had phone sex last night
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
