I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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