saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
