Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
