I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
