You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Randomize
