Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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