I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I need to stop coming to work sober
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
