i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
