I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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