You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
