I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
