i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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