Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
